call•me•jonah

There was a time that I thought that nothing was necessary. And that the way to solve your problems was to (recognize that you) do whatever you wanted. Not in the Epicurian sense. Not eat drink and be merry. What I meant was, for instance, you follow the law, not because you must, but because you so choose. I thought by recognizing that life was, in actuality, without boundaries I could be relieved of the weight of external pressure. I could be free in the realm of my self, recognizing that everything was self willed and chosen. I could never again complain about the restraints of necessity, but could revel in the power of individual dominion.

I still believe that one’s self is the controlling agent in one’s actions. This has not changed. But I now believe that certain ideals must be established as superior to myself. Certain laws that I chose to govern myself. A democratic morality of one. I think that everyone does this reflexively. Eventually it becomes like breathing or a heartbeat. Something involuntary and unnoticed. Except that, unlike breathing, these laws can always be voluntarily ended.

The irony though is that the power of these self imposed laws resides in their ability to convince me that they are infinite and beyond my control. Yet, in the indiviual sense, it was I who placed them in authority over myself, and I can impeach them. But they must, to retain any potency, erase that thought from my mind.

It is possible that I have merely discovered that my self will is weaker than I would have hoped. And that to truely do what I, in my most pious moments, desire to do I must create my own demigod to govern me. This is entirely possible. It is possible as well that there are those entirely different than I who can bear the weight of moral responsiblity on their own. I should very much like to meet such a person. For I confess he is not I.

I do not think that Christians are saved from this existential dilemma. It is just that they, as well as any other moralizing group (AA, the democratic party etc.) have a preordained moral law set in place. But the choice is and is always there.

Bob Dylan already said all this though:
“You may be an ambassador to England or France,
You may like to gamble, you might like to dance,
You may be the heavyweight champion of the world,
You may be a socialite with a long string of pearls

But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You're gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you're gonna have to serve somebody.”